Change of Plans

I sat down at my desk today with a plan to write about this past weekend. One of my dear friends had her baby, and it was a really amazing experience. I had all sorts of feelings and revelations (REVELATIONS! Like the MORMONS!) that I wanted to share.

Instead, I'm sitting here at my desk wondering why, after 32 years, I still can't seem to do anything right. So far today, I have:

1. Overslept by almost two hours, causing my boss to have to come in early, my store to open late, and many, many people getting to work late (sorry, April!).

2. Spilled coffee all over my Jeep.

3. Unknowingly allowed a friend to become more upset over something I thought was resolved.

4. Forgot to deposit the cash in my wallet, the cash that had to be deposited to cover what I spent on Tuesday.

So yeah, it's been a FANTASTIC day so far. *sigh* I'm trying to stay on track, stay upbeat, and get stuff done. That was working pretty well until about an hour ago. Now? Now I need some hugs.

A Bilious New Year's Eve

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen a couple of my posts about having a stomach ache. I felt sick after eating lunch on Tuesday, made a slight recovery, and then had some gut-busting stomach pain at bedtime. I woke up on Wednesday feeling just fine, and assumed the previous day's complaints were caused by questionable leftovers.

I ate breakfast (pancakes by Charlie, yay!) and lunch (whole wheat pasta) without any issues. Dinner was a turkey sub from Jimmy John's. I had to head for bed early because I was scheduled to open the next day. Almost as soon as I lay down, the same god-awful abdominal pain came back with a vengeance. Unlike the previous night, where the pain came in waves and I was eventually able to fall asleep, the pain was unrelenting. Eventually, I horked up my dinner.

Charlie was there next to me, rubbing my back and saying how sorry he was that there was nothing he could do. I felt beyond awful. Finally, we decided that I should probably go to the ER and get checked out since vomiting, severe abdominal pain, and fever can be signs of really serious problems. Charlie took care of all the phone calls -- my mom, my boss, etc. I bundled myself up in the Jeep and then we were on our way.

I tell you what, I must have had the magical combo of symptoms that ensures speedy admittance, because within about ten minutes of arriving, I was in a hospital gown (hello! there's my butt hanging out the back!) and laid out on a bed. The nurse started an IV, then a doctor came in and asked me the usual questions. She suspected right away that my gall bladder was the culprit, and ordered an ultrasound.

Fast forward a few hours and I was full of painkillers and anti-nausea drugs, and my ultrasound was done. The nurse came back and told us that I had gallstones, but that I wasn't in need of immediate surgery (whew!). She referred me to my regular doctor, and sent me packing with a nice kit of drugs.

So that's where we are today. I'm feeling better, although there were some twinges after lunch (nothing fatty, just more wheat pasta). My doc's office is closed until Monday, so I've got to wait until then to make an appointment. In the meantime, I'll be back at work on Sunday, and eating bland, non-fatty, non-spicy food for the next few days (bleh!).

All I can think of is that a) I'm glad we didn't have any fancy or expensive plans for New Year's Eve and b) I'm REALLY glad they didn't whisk me off to surgery last night. I mean, waiting for my regular doctor, waiting for more test results, waiting for a surgical referral, that's all going to suck, but I'd rather be home with my family (and my drugs, bwahahaha) instead of putting my life on hold for God knows how long.

Here's hoping that 2010 is a better year for me, health wise. I sure would like to try and go a year without any major medical procedures.

Die! Die Crickets! DIE!

I've spent the last half hour or so trying to find a video clip of Dave Matthews telling a really funny story about crickets. No luck -- it's from an episode of MTV Unplugged from about a million years ago. Anyhoo, the gist of the story is that one of his friends from South Africa wigged out and set a bunch of crickets on fire in a bathtub.

I totally and completely identify with the desire to light those fockers up.

Now, I'm not talking about good ol' Jiminy, or even the shiny black crickets you find in the backyard. I'm talking about these things:

Camel cricket, cave cricket, spider cricket, NASTY SCARY MOTHERFUCKING ALIEN CRICKET MENACE, whatever you want to call them, I hate them. With a passion.

I don't hate them because they do damage (they don't) or because they bite (they don't) or even because I generally dislike insects (I don't). I hate them because they hop, they hop FAR, and they hop in a very erratic fashion. Like, HOLY HELL IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR MY FACE. They're also huge, at least around here.

Why do I bring this up, you might ask? Well, guess what I found in my bathtub at 4 AM today? That's right. NASTY SCARY MOTHERFUCKING ALIEN CRICKET MENACE. Definitely not what I wanted to see as I was about to hop in the shower. I had to run to the utility room and grab a bottle of Clorox Cleanup -- the chemical of choice for cricket elimination. (Not really, but we didn't have any bug spray.) After hosing him down with the stuff for what felt like an eternity, he finally died. I put on a glove, wrapped him in TP, and flushed his alien cricket menace ass down the toilet.

I'll still be checking that toilet every time I use it for at least three days. For all I know, he's some sort of alien cricket ninja whose compadres will climb out of the sewer to avenge his death.

This IS Being Productive

Can't think of anything to do before 9 o'clock on a Thursday night? Why not surprise your hubs or housemate or whomever in the kitchen while they're making dinner? But, just as you're trying to be all paparazzi-ninja, realize there's no memory card in your camera. Then, for real fun, almost burn yourself while trying to take pictures. Hilarity will ensue, I assure you.

Once you finally manage to get a memory card in your camera, you too can capture AMAZING paparazzi-ninja quality images, such as these:

FLIED LICE! WHITE LICE!

Stop Making That Face. STOP! STOP! I'M GOING TO PEE!

Kissy Kissy (or, I MARRIED THE TICK! See the spoon?)

What? What do YOU do until your favorite show comes on?