It started with my birthday dinner at Rajput, where I ate a huge and fattening Indian dinner. Then we hit up Doumar's, where I inhaled a root beer milkshake. The following weekend, I had my birthday party, slammed down Jack n'Cokes and cake like there was no tomorrow. I kept saying, "I'll start over tomorrow." But the next day always ended up with me stuffing myself on leftover party food, and shoving my Jillian Michaels DVD into the back of the disc wallet.
This is my standard cycle: I eat crap, which makes me feel bad, so I eat more crap, which makes me feel worse, so I eat still more crap. It feels like it never ends.
And to top it all off, about a week after my birthday, I visited my doctor to get a mystery belly-bulge checked, and he said I couldn't work out any harder than walking on the treadmill until he determined what it was. I have, of course, used this as yet another excuse to do absolutely no exercise and to wallow in pity for weeks.
Fast-forward to the first week of February, and I've now had a CT scan of my belly which shows that I have an incisional hernia. Basically, a loop of my bowel (intestine) is sticking out of a tear in my C-section incision. I have to meet with a surgeon to decide if we need to operate, and if so, what sort of repair needs to be done. If you don't know anything about hernias, or rather incisional hernias in particular, it's caused by tension on a previous surgical incision. So they can't repair it with regular sutures or staples, because that creates more tension which will usually lead to another hernia. Most of the time, they put in a piece of surgical-steel mesh to cover the hole, and your body grows tissue over that mesh.
Sounds pretty straight-forward, right? Go in, throw in a patch, get out, boom, we're done. Here's the kicker: I will most likely not be able to have another baby if they do this. The mesh will not stretch with my abdominal muscles as the baby grows. But if they DON'T fix it, and I get pregnant, my whole C-section incision could rip open and cause my uterus to flop forward and potentially kill the baby (or me).
So I'm basically up poo creek in terms of having any more kids. I have said many times that Austin is the perfect kid, and if I was only going to have one, he's the one I'd pick. But ever since I was pregnant with him, I knew I wanted more babies. I have always imagined myself with three rough and tumble boys, Austin taking charge of his little brothers as they do all sorts of little-boy things. Six little feet slapping along the floor, six little hands pulling on mine, three little voices yelling "MOMMMYYYYYYYYYY!" from the other end of the house. And now it seems that dream is going to stay out of my reach...and all I can do is wonder why this is happening to me.
It's times like this that I really envy my friends who are what I lovingly call "Churchy," people who can give their worries up to God, pray, and be okay. I don't have that kind of relationship with my faith. My faith says that good things happen to people who lead good lives, and that's pretty much it. So what does this mean, that I'm not a good person? Or that this is a good thing and I just don't see it yet? I'm sure I could dig through the Torah and find passages that make sense, that help me see what I'm supposed to see. But I don't even know where to start -- I had to put my studies on hold so I could work on Sundays. I feel very disconnected, adrift, sad, lonely. I wish I could have some sort of sign or experience that would say, "Hey, see this Jesus guy? He can work for you." I have thought numerous times about calling Peggy, going to church with her, letting her pray with (and for?) me. I don't know what that means, or what it means that I'm embarrassed to even mention that I'm considering NOT being a Jew anymore. It's like being excited about a new boyfriend, talking about him constantly, and then not wanting to tell your friends when it didn't work out a couple of weeks later. Not the most respectful simile, but that's all I've got.
So, here we are. A little hopeless, a lot fat (again), and desperately wanting something, ANYTHING to change, but with no idea how to make that happen.